If You Could See Me Now
by narwalish
Summary: "Tell me, Petra. What would you say if you could see me now?" Levi tries to cope with the loss of his beloved comrade. ((TW:SUICIDE))


Sorry, sad fic! D: happy with this, though.  
>Based off the song 'If You Could See Me Now' by The Script<hr>

I moved slowly, savouring the chance to soothe my muscles. The mission had been another failure, and we'd lost more men than necessary, as usual. I slumped down on my bed, feeling my age slowly catch up to me.  
>Sometimes I wonder what would have changed if my team were still here, my comrades. What would they say? What would they do? What would she-<p>

I can see her sometimes. Cheering me on, keeping me going. Riding next to me. Fighting the titan with me.  
>Sometimes there are days when I honestly don't think I can go on anymore. What's the point in living, when she was one of the best I could find at what we do?<br>She would always help me at times like these, calm me, and I can almost hear her voice.  
>"Just take that rage, take it with you, then release it when you fight. Then you can beat all the rest and show them how you became Humanity's Strongest Soldier."<br>I'm only trying to make her proud. I'm trying to help her remember who I am. I hope she tells the people up there that I'm helping. That I care. I hope she's up there, watching over me and saying "That's him. That's my soldier, my hero."

-  
>Would she even see me as the same person anymore? The same person who she told she respected greatly?<p>

What would she think now.  
>Would she congratulate me, criticise me?<p>

Would she take me in her arms, wipe away the tears of frustration, take the heart that she left so cold?  
>I can see her here, standing before me, smiling softly.<br>I trusted her to kill the female titan, I should have stayed. I shouldn't have left. But I can hear her now, telling me that I'm wrong. That I did the right thing.

I almost chuckle. I feel so weak. I never felt like this.  
>But then again, I suppose people are right when they say you don't know what you have until it's gone.<p>

I can still see the look in her fathers eyes when he spoke to me. Telling me how she would have dedicated her life to me. I would have married her, I know I would. I never told anyone, not even her. But I would have married her. She was one of the few that cared.

Jesus, I miss her.

-  
>Would she call me a saint for the people I have saved? A sinner for the lives and family I have cost so many?<br>Would she still continue to love me now? After I've lost so many battles over the ones I have won?

I get up, moving to look in the mirror. I can feel her presence, I just wish it was real, rather than my sanity draining away. I look at the metal object to the side of the mirror, picking it and and tossing it gently between my fingers. The guilt is more than I can bear, thinking of the lives I cost my team. I press the metal to my forehead, flinching at the cold surface against my skin. I slowly pull the trigger and-  
>I don't hear a bang, I don't feel anything. I am in the same place I was before. I frown, wondering if I should have checked the bullets first.<p>

I turn away from the reflective surface, and I can see her.

Short, ginger hair, bright brown eyes. She's sitting on the bed when she looks up, smiling softly at me. She pats the seat next to her and I move slowly, hesitant to look at her yet desperate to touch her.  
>I lower myself to sit on the bed, and I turn to her. Our eyes make contact, and I have to hold back from kissing her for a moment.<br>She is my guardian angel...  
>She stopped the bullets, she stopped my death. She's telling me to go on, but... I can't hear her.<br>She rests a hand on my cheek, tears gently rolling down hers, and I can feel her. She holds a sad smile on her face, but I can't remember asking why.  
>I press my forehead gently against hers', taking in the scent.<p>

She looks at me, expecting me to say something, and I pause. I've missed her, so very much, but how do I explain...?

"I still look for your face in the crowd... Looking over the faces of the civilians, the soldiers...  
>Do you stand in disgrace or take a bow at the thought of the things I have done...?"<p>

Her eyes fill up with tears again as she kisses me, and I realise I can't breathe.

-  
>If I'm not mistaken, Hange and Erwin came to look for me after they heard a gunshot. They both stared in shock, and sadness, when they saw my lifeless body, brains blown out onto the cold wooden floorboards.<br>It took them twenty minutes to take my body, cover it, and take it downstairs.  
>It took them two hours to clean my blood off the floor.<br>It took them twelve minutes to tell the troops what had happened to me, saying I had succumbed to grief.  
>And once again, if I'm not mistaken, it took them 3 minutes till they couldn't watch my body burn any longer.<p>

I suppose I'm happy, but I suppose I'm not.  
>"Tell me, Petra. What would you say if you could see me now?"<p>


End file.
